In this talk, we will first agree to commonly accepted goals of software development, then critique the tools by which we come to arrive at those goals. We will be exploring tools and associated nomenclature that we may have never seen or used before, so that you may later investigate further and develop an understanding and opinion. Subjects covered in detail include functional programming, abstraction and parametricity. We will also take a glance at some of the doo-doo that is written on the internet about these subjects, so as to keep in check our means of critical inquiry.